Love at first site

Let’s review some dating apps!

Tinder
Target audience: Literally ANYONE looking for sex who doesn’t want to put in too much effort (or any effort!) to find it. I’ve seen plenty of old men swiping away at women twenty years their junior at the bar.
Best Features: As noted above, requires little to no effort to create a profile and start swiping.
Worst Features: As noted above, requires little to no effort to create a profile and start swiping.
What to watch out for: All of this: TINDER NIGHTMARES
Bottom Line: Just ensure that at least one friend knows where you are going before heading off on a Tinder-date (aka an evening of drinking and hooking up if the person doesn’t seem like they will kill you just yet)

Coffee Meets Bagel

Target Audience: Single people in their twenties and thirties who are willing to put in some effort and don’t just want an app to continuously swipe through while watching The Bachelor.
Best Features: Color scheme. I’m a big fan of the bright blue. Also, you only need to deal with five matches each day, which can be great for those of us who don’t like having too many choices.
Worst Features: THOSE FUCKING BEANS. STOP ASKING ME TO PAY FOR BEANS. Where’s Jack when you need him? Oh, also, getting those annoying messages telling you, “Time is running out with Mark! Act now!” If I had wanted to act on Mark, you betcha I would have acted already, CMB, so calm the fuck down.
Bottom Line: Meh, this app is pretty chill if you turn off all notifications and are fine with having those little red numbers on your phone. If you hate seeing those little red numbers because you are a bit obsessed with having an organized phone interface (which is totally reasonable), then CMB ain’t the app for you.

Hinge

Target Audience: People who actually hear about it.
Best Features: You have to write three “fun facts” about yourself, but Hinge GIVES YOU TEMPLATES for them, like “Two truths and a lie.” I love that game. Let’s play. I’ve been skydiving, I’ve been to England, and I’ve met Will Smith. I always use those three facts. I just love having fun facts that make me seem AWESOME.
Worst Features: False advertising. Hinge calls itself the “relationship app”. Come on now, Hinge. We’ve received just as many unwanted selfies from you as we have from Tinder. Suck it up and accept that if you really want your “dating app” to be a “relationship app”, you’ve gotta put a lot more restrictions in place.
Bottom Line: This one is at least kinda fun to scroll through. But that’s only because, as I mentioned before, I love fun facts!

Bumble
Target Audience: Women who don’t want creepy people sending them unwanted selfies.
Best Features: Guys can only talk to you if YOU let them! It’s amazing! It’s as if we needed this because dating apps designed by men were unable to respect women’s boundaries in a male dominated society! Oh wait…
Worst Features: Creating less space for LGBTQ daters. I’ve actually never used this app myself, so I can’t really comment on much more.
Bottom Line: This is a nice app to have if you don’t really intend on using an app.

There’s my top-notch analysis for ya. May Cupid’s arrow strike you in not too harmful of a place <3