Little Joy
I’ve heard that all adults are truly children at heart who just pretend to know what they are doing. I often feel that way…and I usually don’t even bother to pretend to know what I am doing…
Perhaps we don’t give children enough credit. Children believe that anything is possible. It’s sort of beautiful. They jump off of ledges too high for them to safely land from. They don’t brush their hair or care if their clothing matches. They say that when they grow up, they’ll be a police officer on Mondays, an artist on Tuesdays, and the president on Wednesdays.
Then, as they get older and older and “learn more” about the world, their view of what is possible actually gets narrower and narrower (can you tell that I’m a pessimist?).
When I try viewing my life as I would have viewed it as a child, I find it amusing. Little Joy never would have imagined that she would have a major in Economics and work as a data analyst at a financial information company. She wouldn’t have known what most of those words even meant.
Little Joy just found life interesting. She found people interesting. She didn’t want to let people down. That drove her to start doing well in things she wouldn’t have thought she’d do well in—namely, academics. She had always loved theater and writing, but she wasn’t a particularly driven student until she got the sense that her teachers were counting on her. When she did well, they gave her positive feedback. They felt like her friends.
Little Joy grew into me, Big Joy, without thinking too much about what topics genuinely interested her. She worked hard in every subject to the point where she became valedictorian of her high school and graduated from college with a 4.0 GPA (Big Joy is humble bragging).
If those are good accomplishments, then why don’t I, Big Joy, feel prouder? Could it be because I see Little Joy looking at me now and wondering why the hell I’m not a famous actress but also not using the word “hell” because Little Joy doesn’t curse?
I’m sorry, Little Joy. Big Joy likes feeling safe. I still have no idea what she’s doing, but, as an adult, I guess it’s time to pretend.