I’ve lost my attention sp—oh look, a Facebook notification…

I recently met with a former professor of mine who informed me that when he began teaching fifteen years ago, people in their twenties had attention spans of approximately twelve minutes. He therefore designed his lectures to “mix things up” with a class quiz or activity every twelve minutes or so. Nowadays, he lamented, people in their twenties (#mostlymillennialsbutiguessthatweirdzgenerationtoo #imnotgoodathashtags #amievenamillenialthen) have attention spans of approximately four minutes. FOUR MINUTES. Madonna and JT can barely save the world in that time. Average people can barely do anything in that time.

I am a pathetic example of this reduced ability to concentrate. I currently have three papers to read, two papers to write, an assortment of emails to respond to, a job search to begin, classes to plan, concepts to learn for my current job, and what am I doing instead? WRITING THIS EFFING BLOG POST. It’s ok—this is more productive than what I was previously doing: rapidly switching between the pdf of a paper I need to read and Amazon’s daily “Interesting Finds” guide. You’re welcome if I’m first introducing you to Amazon’s Interesting Finds. But most of you readers are likely millennials too, and thus you have probably already heard of this fabulous feature. Isn’t it fun? OH MY G-D I’M DOING IT AGAIN! Four minutes go by so damn quickly…

If you happen to be suffering as badly as I am from four-minute attention span syndrome, here is a list of suggestions that I am failing to follow but could really benefit y’all:

1) PRINT SHIT OUT: If what you are reading is available in print form already, go get that version of it. If it’s some long-ass online article, print it out. Reading from physical pages has a number of scientifically proven advantages. YEAH I’M GONNA HIT YOU WITH A REFERENCE TO PROVE I KNOW SOME SCIENTIFIC SHIT: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/reading-paper-screens/

2) Separate yourself from your baby– I mean, your smartphone: I don’t feel whole if I don’t have my phone with me. I sleep with it next to me at night. I hold onto it while I am walking. It is my baby. And every time it buzzes (every time the baby cries), it grabs my attention regardless of what else is going on around me. How important is it for me to see that some girl I barely knew in college is available as “sweetnamepun” on Instagram? Is it really essential that I discover who it was that liked my random picture on Facebook? Can that snapchat video wait? APPARENTLY NOT. If you are at home, put your phone in a different room than the one you are occupying. If you are in a meeting at work, keep your phone in your desk or in a bag that you don’t have with you. If you go camping, leave your phone in your car because it will just die anyway (and don’t you dare cheat with one of the mobile chargers even though they are adorable OMG I wonder if there’s a cute one on Amazon Interesting Finds…)

I would make this list longer, but I really need to start reading a paper online because I’m too lazy to print it out and see who’s available on Facebook messenger.

Don’t be like me, friends. PAY ATTENTION.