Man Children

Man child: a human being you would expect to function as an independent adult male but instead behaves like a toddler. Man children are worse than regular children in a number of ways. To help those of you out there who want to avoid man children (which should be all of you, by the way), here are five distinctive signs of one:

1. Inability to make decisions: Children don’t get too many opportunities to make their own decisions. When they do get to decide between mac and cheese or pizza, or soccer or baseball, it is an exciting day for them. Man children, on the other hand, hate decisions. If a man child does make a decision, he disguises it as someone else’s decision to relieve himself of any potential harm that results from his choice. Noble indeed.
2. Lack of belongings: Kids don’t own their own furniture, and for good reason. You can only fit on a rocking horse for so long. Man children also own very few items. Some minimalism as an adult is fine, but when you need to store your toothbrush and deodorant in the middle of your floor due to lack of dresser or nightstand, you may have some growing up to do.
3. Hating things: Children “hate” other children for pushing them at recess. Children “hate” brussels sprouts for tasting icky. Man children “hate” things for no reason at all besides to give themselves something to talk about. I highly recommend not listening to them.
4. Having no idea how to cook: Children can usually at least make cereal and peanut butter sandwiches. There are some amazing children on Chopped Junior who create entire gourmet meals in thirty minutes. Man children can maybe make cereal and peanut butter sandwiches but are often too lazy to bother, let alone to try and cook an entire meal. They probably have never used the oven in their apartment, and you should not suggest that they attempt to do so because it will likely result in danger for everyone in the apartment building.
5. Claiming that they “can’t live without you”: A toddler could probably figure out how to survive for at least a little bit if left alone in the woods (not recommending that anyone test out my hypothesis). Meanwhile, man children apparently do not think they are capable of continuing to breath, eat, sleep, or really function at all without your attention. It is a bit concerning to supposedly have someone else’s life in your hands. Hopefully you will have rid yourself of the man child before you get to this stage. If not, that’s what alcohol and chocolate are for.

I am sad to say that a number of these traits can’t be seen at first meeting and will require that you spend some time with the man child. Once you notice at least two of these characteristics, I advise that you run as far away from the situation as possible. I also do not follow my own advice.

STAY ALERT.